


jesus shit son of a bitch

by pekoyama



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Crack, THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN, gundham needs to stop with his magical fap arm, i didn't want to make my ao3 debut like this, why did i spend half an hour on this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 07:25:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10612062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pekoyama/pseuds/pekoyama
Summary: Sonia Nevermind goes on a journey to figure out what a fap is.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Huyandere](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Huyandere).



> this is a crackfic. this isn't how I was expecting to post my first fic on ao3. don't take this seriously because I will be posting legitimate fics here in the future. I promise you I'm much better than this.
> 
> shoutout to huyandere and my gc for inspiring me with this amazing idea I don't know what I would've done without this light in my life

Hi my name is Sonia Belle Krys’tal Riley Nevermind and I have long golden blonde hair (it's run in the family for 10 generations) with white highlights and lush waves that reaches my thighs and baby blue eyes like a sunny day and a lot of people tell me I look like Ashley Benson (AN: jesus shit son of a bitch if u don't know who she is get da goddamn fuck out of here!).

I'm not related to Taylor Swift but I wish I was because she's a major fucking spoiled princess. I'm a princess but I have an interest in emo things and Japanese culture. I have snowy pearl skin. I'm also a freemason, and I go to a famous school called Hope’s Peak in Japan where I'm in the second year (I'm seventeen). I'm a prep (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly white. I love J.Crew and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a white blouse with matching lace on it and an emerald green velvet dress, black stockings and red high heels. I was wearing light pink lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and very light pastel pink eye shadow.

I was walking outside my cabin. It was sunny and cloudy so there was no moon, which I was very happy about. A lot of kids who were also Super High-School Level stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I heard a low voice. It was very loud, much louder than I was used to. I followed the voice. It was very prolonged and drawn out, unlike any other sound I had heard before. It sounded like something was painful. I was very confused… why would anyone want to cause themselves pain? And that’s when I heard a yell.

The sound was coming from one of the cabins. I knocked on the door of one at random. “Who’s in there?” I yelled. “Are you okay? Do I need to get Monobear?”

The sound stopped.

“Hello?”

Still no answer.

I was going to investigate more. Unfortunately, that was when Monobear decided to make the morning announcements. He wanted all of the students to head to the kitchen for breakfast. Begrudgingly, I decided to give up and go eat breakfast. Maybe the sound would continue during breakfast, and I with my classmates I could figure out what it was.

Breakfast was bagels and cheese bagels. I almost shouted “Sugoi!” I as I walked into the dining room. But that wouldn’t have been proper manners. Instead, I sat down normally and made small talk with everyone else. I clearly remember two people - there was a cook who wanted me to suck poison for him, and a talking highlighter.

I wasn’t sure why everyone was telling me not to suck the poison out because I wanted to help the chef, but I assumed they had good reason. After all, I am a princess. And a princess listens to her people.

The talking highlighter was a different story, though. He kept following me around, trying to talk to me. Everyone yelled at him to leave me alone. That was a more understandable case. Who would want to talk to a highlighter? I wouldn’t.

After breakfast, I walked around the island trying to investigate where the sound came from. The sound had stopped after breakfast, though. It was really frustrating. The person was clearly in pain based on the yell I had heard. Whoever it was, why didn’t they want me helping them?

For now, I decided to go back to my cabin and wait for when the sound came again. For a while, I reread the entirety of the Twilight Saga. Sooner or later, I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke up, I cursed out loud. “God fucking damn it! I must have fallen asleep,” I said as I came to that realization. Fortunately, I noticed that the sound had started again, so it was perfect timing.

As I ran outside, I made sure to listen carefully to pinpoint the exact location of the sound. Years of military training in my home country had trained me to listen and follow the smallest of sounds. I ended up in front of my classmate Gundham Tanaka’s cabin. The sound was slowly getting louder as it did before and I could hear panting. It sounded really painful.

I didn’t even bother to knock this time and instead threw open the door. Before I could comprehend the scene, I heard a crash. Gundham seemed to have fallen behind the bed. All i could see was a very bright pink glow coming from the other side of the bed.

“Tanaka-san! Are you alright?” Tears sprang to my eyes as I imagine the intense pain he must have gone through. “You sounded like you were in pain!”

I heard no response.

“Tanaka-san?”

“She-cat. I am okay,” he finally replied.

“But your arm is still glowing!”

He waved me off. “It’s simply the work of my magical fap arm!”

I tipped my head to one side. “Magical fap arm? What’s a fap?”

Gundham’s face went red all of a sudden. “You mean… to tell me.. You don’t know what a fap is?”

“Nope!” I exclaimed. “I’ll go look it up now! I hear this island has a library, so I’m sure I’ll find information in there!” 

I turned around and was about to leave Gundham’s cabin, but a loud voice stopped me.

“WAT DA HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!!!” BOOMED A VOICE.

IT WAS… THE TALKING HIGHLIGHTER! KAZOOICHI!!!11!!1!!!

“Tanaka-san! What were you doing with Miss Sonia in your cabin?” Kazoo yelled.

“She was wondering if.. my… arm was okay. She said it was a weird color,” he replied.

“Silly silly! Don’t lie” I screamed. “He was simply using his magical fap arm!”

Gundham’s face turned red, for whatever reason. “You don’t say that.”

I was perplexed once again. “Why? What’s so bad about a fap arm? And it’s magical too!”

Kazuichi was shocked. “You mean.. She doesn’t know what fapping is?” His eyes widened. “You can’t ruin her innocence!” He started to lunge at me.

“Get the fuck off, you highlighter!” I screamed. “I need to know what a fap is!”

Scrambling, I manage to run away from both of the boys onto the second island. I didn’t stop until I reached the library. Immediately I started grabbing books off the shelves and read them very rapidly. I had to figure out what a fap was. I was the princess of Novoselic. I had to know what a fap was. What secrets were the citizens keeping from me? Why couldn’t I know what a fap was?

Finally, after I grabbed a book called “Ur Bin’s a Canary Dick” (I think they meant Ur Bin’s a Dick Canary) and I found the word fap in it.

The Dick Canary - because it wasn’t a Canary Dick, obviously - said that fap was “the onomatopoeic representation of masturbation.”

This was annoying. All these words were sending me on a goose chase. What’s a masturbation?

I looked up the word.

So that’s what a fap was.

Quickly, I slammed the book closed and ran back to Gundham.

“Tanaka-san! I figured out what a fap was!”

Gundham was shocked.

I continued, “Can you give me a magical fap arm too? I want to try it for myself!”

Kazooichi yelled, “Miss Sonia, I could construct one for you.”

“What the fuck?” Gundham screamed.

At the same time I yelled, “Stop calling me Miss Sonia!!!”

Kazooichi was sad. Then he had an idea. “Miss Sonia you want a magical fap arm too right?”

“Yeah!” I yelled. “Tanaka-san will not give me one!”

Kazoo suggested, “If you let me call you Miss Sonia I will build the magical fap arm.”

I thought about it for a second. “Okay then Kazoo. Also, I want it to glow like Gundham’s, only this time very bright blue.”

“As you wish Miss Sonia!” Kazoo yelled back.

After I got a magical fap arm, I ran to the nearest person. “Hey Akane,” I smiled up seductively at her. “Do you wanna try out my magical fap arm?”

“What’s a fap?” was Akane’s reply.

“I know what it is but I don’t know what happens.” I explained a fap to her.

“Sounds interesting,” Akane said.

“Okay but hold on we need to get soundproof curtains and stuff to make sure nobody hears you and me experiencing a fap.” I replied.

“I agree,” agreed Akane.

We went to Rocketpunch Market and bought a lot of soundproof curtains and stuff. Then Akane joined me that night for a fap.

It was a very enjoyable fap. Both me and her were very very happy.

From then on, we realized how much we loved giving the fap to each other. We were friends with benefaps. We were BFFs - BeneFaps Forever.

And that was the day I got a magical fap arm.

**Author's Note:**

> i got my MFA in writing if you know what i mean ;)
> 
> [it's canon](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C9TmvqZXgAA6nB6.jpg)


End file.
